Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | November 17, 2016

Silence

Silence.

The wind blows wildly around me.

Winds of change…

winds of fear…

I stand tall in the midst of this hurricane of hurt and I am silent.

I used to want to say how I felt.  I used to want to scream and shout.

I used to want to know that I was heard.

But I’ve been silenced…

Silenced by the unwillingness of those who claim to understand…

who claim to be listening…

unwillingness to open up the part of themselves that might churn in discomfort when it receives the message I have been trying to give all these years all the times I have sat to write how I feel and the only response is a sigh and a squirm because I have just put words to feelings you wanted to sweep under a rug…

a rug woven with barbed wire thread coiled tightly around steel rods sharpened to points that pierce my skin when I try desperately to claw my way out from underneath all of your shame…

your shame…

the shame you have carried all of your lives because you can never admit that the face you put on every day before you go out into the world you pretend is untouched by humanity’s sins is a face that you worked so hard to perfect because it was the only protection you ever had from the reflection staring back at you from above the bathroom sink.

And I am still silent.

Nothing I can ever say will sway your view on the world you built to save yourself the trouble of giving a shit.

I have not tried my best…maybe I have not tried at all…but at least I can say that while I stand whip-lashed and  tongue-tied as the raging winds from the past beat into the winds of the future in a spiraling tornado that must now be my present, I have made a conscious decision to allow myself to be silenced.

I will not bow my head in shame for my silence is the only control I have left.

And you will never hear it.

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