Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | January 15, 2013

Hey Soul Sister

“Write it,” my father said.  “You’re good at that and you can get what you need to get across better that way.”

A letter, something private, something intimate…but I can’t.

So I thought I’d put it out there – let you see it whenever that might be…without me having to feel like I had to beg you to understand, without feeling like it’s all on me.

And yet, here I am, over a month later, still struggling to write it.

I’m going to try, because that’s all I can do, but forgive me if I screw this one up.

See, I love my brother.  A whole lot.  More than you care to understand.

And so I love you by extension, but not as much, because you don’t care to understand.

When he called me to tell me about you – no, to ask me about you – he wasn’t sure.

So I showed him why.

Why you were so amazing.

Why you were the one.

Why he should try.

And when he saw, he called me again and I felt his happiness travel around the world and fill all our lives with joy.

When he asked me to be there, I had to tell him no.

I couldn’t come.

He understood.  He knew my reasons.  He respected my reasons.

But you didn’t and I knew that, and he knew that, and it hurt.

So I pulled away a bit because I can’t force anyone to see things differently.  And because I respect you.

And then, there we were, face to face at last.

Except your face held something that made me feel uncomfortable.

And I didn’t like the way you made me feel.

Like I should feel guilty.

Like I should apologize.

For putting myself and my family before you and your expectations.

For expecting my family to do something for me I could never allow them to do.

Five thousand dollars is a lot of money.  Money my family does not have.  We could not come to your wedding and put my parents into debt over it.  We would not.

But I still love my brother.

And he still loves me.

He asked me to apologize to you – to make things right by saying a little silly ‘I’m sorry’.  To lie in order to lessen your anger towards me.

I will not.

I did the right thing.

Please, do the same.

You don’t need to love me.

You don’t need to be my friend.

You don’t have to ever talk to me.

But don’t ever put my brother in that position again.

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