Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | June 3, 2012

The Words I Am Made Of

I cannot find the words to express the puddle of feelings I sit in.

I cannot understand how I came to be here, curled up on the floor…a victim…again.

I am searching, digging through my past to find where this fits…but it is so different…so strange…

I pursued peace, as I am taught to do, and was hit in return with a vicious blow in the form of a woman consumed by the ugliest rage I have ever seen.  Anger…hatred…directed at me because I reached out in genuine hope for reconciliation.  And the look in her eyes…distant…vague…making me doubt I was even standing there in front of her.

My heart betrayed me and caused my body to shake with it’s racing beat…and opened my mouth to shoot the only arrow I had…the one I had vowed not to use…because it was mean…

My mind formed the right words later.  Too late.  When there was no one there to hear them

NO.  Stop.  Don’t.  I will not Allow this.  I can Leave.  I have the Power.  You have no Right to hurt me.  I am Strong.  I am Worthy.

But I fell apart before the words stopped running away from me.

When the pieces of me figured out where they belonged, I was on the floor in my husband’s arms.  Afraid.  Vulnerable.  Confused.  Tired.  Very, very tired… 

So I sit…and hope that maybe, someday soon, I can figure out why someone was able to throw me down…pinning me under projected issues and warped reason…

For now I am comforted by my love of seven years as he holds my hand and tells me it will be ok.

And it will be…because he said so…and because I know that if I say them everyday…I will remember my Words.

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Responses

  1. :Sigh: So glad you are safe now. Much love to you.

  2. Sometimes, in extremely tough moments, we regress to what we once were. It doesn’t mean we have failed. It means that maybe something that comes easy to others doesn’t come so easy to us. maybe you simply aren’t built to get into a verbal spat with an lunatic.

    And you know what? Maybe that isn’t so bad….

  3. this sounds oddly similar to something i just went through myself… I’m sorry for your pain. My heart has been aching for two months now and it seems no real end in sight. Everyday I just try to move past it and not let it define me… I think that’s all I can do. learn and grow.


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