Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | January 17, 2011

Happy to Be…Here

I was recently welcomed, quite warmly I must say, to the world of abuse blogging.

Yes, that’s right.

Abuse blogging.

I am flabbergasted.

Mind you, it was sweet and kind and nary a bothersome word said, but I felt a little betrayed.

Is that what people think of me?

So I went with it for a bit and checked out the rest of this world of blogging I found myself belonging to.

I do not mean to offend anyone, but I was rather disturbed by things I read.

How many people are out there struggling to make sense out of their past?  How many people are out there succumbing to the DSM IV’s definition of PTSD?  How many people are allowing things that were out of their control to control them?

I will stop before I get carried away.  Suffice to say that I found the ‘abuse blogging’ scene to be one where I, with all the technical symptoms and relatable stories, felt out of place.

I am not a victim, nor am I shouting “I AM NOT A VICTIM” from the rooftops.

I am not a survivor, as I am not sure what I am meant to have survived.

I am definitely not empowered by my sense of self.  I am still working, as I’m sure most mortals are, on seeing my real reflection.

What I am is grateful.

I have a confession to make.

I am glad that it all happened to me.

I thank Hashem every day for wanting it to happen to me.

I thank Him for knowing what was best for me and seeing to it that His will was done and continues to be done.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He did it to me and that He had His reasons.

Please don’t patronize me with your labels and professional opinions.

I know where I’m at.

And I’m grateful for it.

 

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Responses

  1. I once wrote a post about being grateful for some difficulties I’ve been through, because of who I became because of it. I can’t say that I’d ask to go through it all over again, but I understand where you’re coming from.

  2. I am 100% with you on this one.

    I have a question for you though. How do those blogs differ from the heartrending posts you have written about the abuse you’ve been through? I don’t have anything to compare to because I haven’t come across abuse blogs.

    • the main thing is that i have never expressed hate or resentment in my musings – mostly because i don’t feel that way. other people who went through similar things, no matter how objective they try to be when they speak of abuse in general, tend to lean on the side of resentment. i cringe when i read it, not because of what happened or why, but because they cannot see past the anger, hurt and resentment that built up around them.
      i don’t claim to be a saint, i just think i was privileged to be thrown into a situation as an adult where i could not be any of those things if i wanted the life that was being offered to me.

  3. One thing to say. You’re impressive, you are what many of us strive to be, but haven’t gotten to yet.

    • thank you. you know i didn’t mean to bash anyone, right?

      • Of course! And by the way, the stage you’re in is called “thriver”! Where the person has fully integrated what happened to the extent that they can see Hashem’s hand in a positive light. I think most people who are working on healing properly, with the right people, strive to get to that point. It’s hard work though!

        (sorry, I just got back to this now…)

  4. thank you for all you went through. for if not there would be no one on the other side of the looking glass waiting for me. And I am glad for all I went through so i can be there for you

    your love Naftali


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