Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | December 20, 2010

Wanna be my Girlfriend?

I don’t have any friends.

I had a best friend when I was young, and although we thought we’d be friends forever, life happened and we’re now Facebook friends.

There was a time when I had lots of friends.  In fact, I was part of a few different groups of people and built very strong relationships with lots of guys.  Yup, guys.  That’s the problem.

I don’t want to get into the whole idea of a girl being “one of the guys” and whether or not that can possibly be true, or debate the existence of platonic relationships.  The fact is, I was surrounded by people who cared for me and for whom I cared for very deeply.

After a few years, my groups of friends filtered out a few stragglers, lost some members to religion, lost other members to a lack of religion, and eventually congealed together to form one, strong, familial bond.

We were a band of brothers, plus a sister, for quite some time.  We shared in each others triumphs and encouraged growth as a unit.  We spoke of the past and hashed out the present.  Mostly, we looked forward to a future brightened by the friendships formed.

I got married first.

I had always said that the only way I’d be able to keep my friends was if I married one of them.

I did marry my friend, but someone who wasn’t really enmeshed in our little circle.

My friends were wonderful in their welcome.  He was treated as a brother, and they all came to our wedding and danced with him as brothers do.

And then, it fizzled out.  Just like that.  There were no goodbyes, no practical conversations to discuss how to make it work.  It was over.

When we lost the baby, they all called.  They still felt my pain and cared for me so much, we just weren’t friends anymore.

I understand the difficulties they must have had relating to be as a married woman, and even more when they each subsequently got married.  It’s hard to explain me to another girl, and I’m sure it was easier to just move on.  But I missed them.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the lack of friendship in my life.

My husband and I have been falling into the roles of parents.  Although we are still so close, our days are mostly revolved around caring for our children and running out household.  He will always be my best friend, but maybe, just maybe, I need a bit more.

So I’m on the market for a friend.  A girlfriend.

The question is, how does one go about a friendship with a girl?

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Responses

  1. I have a similar problem..only different. I used to have lots of friends, and we stayed friends even after we got married. But then something happened in my life, and some of my friends either didn’t know how to deal with it or how to respond, or they were uncomfortable with it all…and those friendships fizzled. And others…I couldn’t relate to them anymore. My life was so different…my priorities so different…those friendships just couldn’t last. And for a while, I didn’t miss having close friendships. But now I do. And it’s not easy making that happen at this stage.

    • i actually also lost a lot of people in my life because of what i went through. people close to me couldn’t find the words to say, not knowing that i didn’t really need them to say ANYTHING and as a result, they stayed away until they just faded from my life completely. i’ve tried to make friends, but the only place i meet women is in the park and the conversations are less than stimulating and people aren’t very inviting…please tell me that there is a stage where it can be done! i’m so young and just starting out – if i’m an introvert, will i never make a friend?

  2. I’m reading this, and this is making me so sad. I’m not at that stage yet, I haven’t gone through anything so drastic that it distanced my friends. I hope that never happens.

    But, I’ve learned something in the past few years: dynamics change. My friends got married and for the most part, had children right away, and I’m still single. It’s not always easy for them to relate to me, so I make it my business to relate to them. I’ll talk to them about sleepless nights and ear infections and cooking and jobs and even sometimes about shalom bayis issues. It’s the only way to keep things alive until I catch up with them.

    As for making friends now, is there maybe a neighbor that you like, that you think you’d like to be friends with? As hard as it is, and I understand how hard it can be when you’re a bit introverted, but invite her to go shopping with you, call her for advice, even if you start small and it seems insignificant, eventually it could build up into something deeper and more meaningful. You need to reach out; at this point, opportunity doesn’t always knock at the door. Sometimes you have to actually seek it out.

    Good luck! I really feel for you on this one. It’s so hard losing close friends.

    • thanks – if i’m gonna take the shopping route, luck is not all i’ll need. a couple shots of whiskey would be necessary…did i mention that i abhor all things social? i’m hopeless.

  3. I’m sorry that you feel a void in your life when it comes to having friends. I sometimes feel its easier for men to make new friends because we see eachother in shul and spend long periods of time together. I do like SunInsideRain’s ideas though.
    Hope you make some new friends and are able to fill that void in your life real soon!

    • it’s easier for men to make friends because it’s less awkward to stick out your hand and introduce yourself…that’s actually how i met most of my friends. as males, they saw no problem in a very basic introduction and were able to casually move on from there. for some reason, women have no official form of introduction. we wait for the other one to make a move…it’s horrible. i want to get the handshake thing started amongst the womenfolk, it would make life so much easier.

  4. I’m not very good at making friends because I don’t put much effort into my friendships. I am blessed to have friends that do. I’m terrible at keeping in touch and am not a good phone person. I love my friends and think about them all the time, but never get around to calling them… my bad. I don’t see them often, but when I do we just pick up from where we left off, those that matter anyhow. I think you can only do that with real friends. We are at all different stages, but remain friends because when we’re together the focus is not on kids and runny noses… We go out to have a good time and enjoy each others company. I’m not saying its easy because your domestic life can consume you, but from time to time its important to let go. I’m always refreshed afterwards. You can forget what its like to have friends!

    I must admit, when I first got married it was a little awkward resuming a friendship with one particular friend. I used to tell her everything, then suddenly there were private things we could no longer discuss. It took a couple weeks to get used to segregating my private life and continuing on with what we had before. Once we got past that it was a great relief and we were very soon back to normal. Doing that with one friend made it easier with everyone else. We laugh about that time now.

    I would guess the easiest people to make new friends with at this stage would be other parents, especially those with children in the same class as yours. Starting off with at least that in common would make it easier. Invite them for play dates, Shabbas…

    Good luck!

  5. friends are overrated

    • eh, you’re right. my quest is over.

      • Lol, don’t listen to DOL. Don’t give up so fast. Start small, you never know where it’ll take you. Ask advice, that usually starts a connection. I totally understand you btw. I wish you the best of luck and bracha in finding and developing that deep, meaningful friendship that you so desire :-).

  6. Here’s my take.
    I think the types of bonds which you formed in the past (based on reading between the lines of past posts) were unique friends that are born out of unique circumstances. That kind of intense circle of support has to be born of real events and cannot be forced.
    Your going out and finding friends might fill different needs (like socializing and feeling like you’re part of a community).

  7. No, no, friends are NOT overrated.

    • well that depends on whether or not you’re the type of person who needs them….


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