Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | November 16, 2009

A Father’s Love

There have been few times in my life when I’ve felt utterly connected to the One above.  The hustle and bustle of everyday life usually distracts me from what’s really important and true.  These moments, when all else fades away and true understanding is brought forth, are what keep me from falling into the traps mindless routine can bring.

One such time stands out from all the rest.  It was when my perspective of my role in this world changed forever.

My life has not been easy.  My teenage years were ones of anger, hurt and betrayals.  I lost faith in myself, faith in my family and faith in Hashem.  I didn’t want to believe that He had orchestrated all the events in my life for a reason.  I wanted to put a separation between what I considered to be His world  and my world.  I couldn’t imagine what He would want with me.  I hit a very low point when I was just seventeen and there was no way out but up.  So I tried.  It was the first time in my life I let other people in.  I persevered, with the help of amazing people, and slowly pieced myself together.  I began to thrive and grow.  Things fell into place.

There were difficulties I had to experience that molded me into someone I thought I was happy with.  I was more confident, secure and comfortable with myself.  I was filling my days with work that I loved.  I was married to a man who fulfilled all my hopes and dreams.  I knew how to communicate, how to express myself and how to listen.  I thought things couldn’t be better.

When I found out I was pregnant with our first child, I remember feeling relieved.  Everything was finally working out for me and I was overcome with joy.  My friends and family shared my happiness and we all looked forward to the rest of our lives.

And then my life took an unexpected turn.  I had just started my twenty fifth week of pregnancy when I went into labor.  I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing seven hundred and fifty grams.  He was everything I had ever hoped for and the two and a half days we spent together were the best days of my life.

When my baby left this world, the nurses cleaned him up, wrapped him in a blanket and gave him to me to hold.  I sat with my holy son and I thanked him.  I thanked him for giving me the greatest gift of all.  With his death, he gave me life.

It was with the most surreal feeling that I got into bed that night.  I woke up the next morning with peace and serenity.  I went out and bought a refrigerator.  I laughed with my husband, I hugged my mother, and I praised Hashem.  A few days later, my sister in law gave birth to a baby boy and I joyously held him at his bris.

I knew people were wondering how I was functioning, wondering when I would break.  I could feel intense happiness and intense sadness joining together to create a feeling of oneness with Hakodosh Baruch Hu.  I was confused.  I didn’t understand why I understood so much.  I experienced a love so strong coming from a place so holy that I didn’t feel a need for anything else in the world.  All I wanted was to be closer to that Source.  All I wanted was to embrace the Shechina.  It was beautiful and frightening.  A part of me wanted it to go away.  A part of me wanted it to consume me.

My husband felt the same.  We thought we were crazy.  We went to speak with a Rebbe, a man who understood.  He smiled at us and gave us the strength to keep feeling.  We laughed, we talked, we cried, we listened and we lived.

It was hard.  There was a time when I did break.  A time when I felt the weight around my shoulders tighten even more.  It hurt so much worse than anything before.  It was excruciating and lonely.  It backed me into a corner and exploded within me.  That was the moment.  That’s when I felt truly and fully connected to Hashem.

Over three years have passed since that time.  Before I had my first born, I was everything I thought I wanted to be.  Now, I am no longer so confident nor content.  I second guess almost all my actions.  I question all my thoughts.  I try not to get used to things.  I want to live!  I want to understand my every move.  I want to do the right thing and when I’m wrong, I want to learn to do better.  I never want to stop growing.  I never want to become complacent.  I never want to believe that I did all I could possibly do.  I want to always find another, better way.  I want to carry the love my child gave me with me wherever I go, and share it with whoever I can.  I’m no longer out to change the world, I’m out to change myself.

I work hard to actualize the feelings I was handed and bring them into my daily living.  I do not always succeed, and I get frustrated with myself.  That’s when I look back and remember.  And the memory that stands out, the one time I was entirely sure of what was going on, was when I felt that tightness and understood what it had been.  At the time when I needed Him most, my Father gave me a hug.

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