Posted by: colloquiallyspeaking | November 10, 2009

Questions and Answers of a Spiritual Kind

Why am I here…what’s the reason for all this…why should I even try…

I know of answers because I asked the questions.  I didn’t like these answers, though.  I still have difficulties with them at times.  But I’ve accepted them and am beginning to understand them a bit more.

I grew up in a religious home, in a religious community.  Unfortunately, things happened to me that pushed me away from how I was raised and I acted out in a few self-destructive behaviors.  I ended up in Israel, found a group of healthy people, and began to mend my soul.

After a few years of intense therapy, I embraced religion, got married to my best friend, and tried to settle down.

I got pregnant and gave birth to a premature baby boy.  My son lived for a little while, enough time to become carved into my heart, and then passed away.  He was buried in a grave I’ll never see.

I’ve suffered a lot in my life.  I’ve been to that black hole many times.  I’ve even given up completely, only to awaken in hospital beds with tubes down my throat.

Every time before, I turned around and ran.  As I ran, I asked, why am I here?  What’s the reason for all this?  Why should I even try?

I found out my answer from the person who saved my life shortly after I got married.  But I didn’t like it.  It was too simple.

While my baby fought for his life, I was reminded of the answer.  When he passed away, I began to understand.

I am here to get closer to Hashem.

For me, everything has an exact opposite.  That is why I ran.  Something that can bring me so close to Hashem can also push me away.  The choice is mine.

I used to cry out in pain and feel so alone.  Now, I cry out in pain and feel my Father crying out with me.  The pain hurts the same way it always did, but now I can see through it.  I’m not alone.  I have a purpose.  There is a reason for me to live.

I have a relationship with Hashem that grows stronger every time things seem shaky.  I’ve come to understand what it is that He wants of me.  He wants me to be me, and by doing so, I give to the world.  I need to learn to accept myself for who I am so that I can fulfill Hashem’s will.

I will hold my head high as I embrace my life with renewed dedication toward my ultimate goal – shortening the distance between me and my Creator.

And I will continue to question so I can continue to find my answers.

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Responses

  1. This was beautiful.


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